*sigh*.

last night was just awful. has to go down as one of the top 10 worst nights of my life. i got an update at 7pm that monkey's condition was the same... and then came the long overnight wait, because there'd be no more updates until 10 this morning. if they called, it would be because she was dead or close to it. i'm amazed that i even slept at all -- i was in that constant state of terror, you know the feeling you got in your stomach when you were a kid and realized there was a project due that you hadn't done? that was my stomach, times 10, all night. i couldn't keep any food down, couldn't stop pacing... ugh. i think i finally fell asleep around 2am, and got about 3 hours. and no phone call, which is encouraging. but i won't be able to really calm down until i talk to her regular doctor (the oncologist, she's been off all weekend) and/or see her for myself at noon visitation today, and know that she's bouncing back.

the ex (the one i lived with until last summer, maybe i should start calling him J2) came over for a while last night to keep me company. it was a huge help and i owe him big time. he brought me a box of godiva truffles and the DVD of "dodgeball" and hugged me while i bawled for a while. by the time we'd finished watching "rock star: INXS", i was a little bit calmer, at least enough to do my end-of-week report for work and e-mail it in. and i was exhausted... i thought i'd finally sleep like a baby. but as soon as he left, and i was alone, the nervous stomach and retching and pacing started for the overnight shift. *sigh*.

i don't know how people with really sick children do it. how do you not go out of your mind, knowing that the little baby you love so much is sick and scared and lying in a hospital covered in tubes and bandages? i can't get that image of her out of my mind.

i'm crossing my fingers until i see her... 5 hours and counting...

monkey update.

she's a teeny bit better. thank god. still very weak, still drooling... but her eyes are a bit brighter, and she's doing the occasional "meh", which is an improvement. i went for visitation at lunchtime today, and she let me hold her for a while and pet her belly. i think she just wants to be outta there and go home, which is what the oncologist thinks too... she came in to visit me while i was snuggling with monkey, and said that i can pick her up at 4, learn how to feed her through the tube, and take her home so she'll be more relaxed and comfortable. needless to say, i'm taking a vacation day tomorrow... all i want to do all day is sit on the couch with her in my lap and smooch her to bits. i can't wait.

oh, and what was on the radio when i turned on the car to leave angell memorial? "shock the monkey". heh.

she's home, safe and sound.

almost didn't get to take her after all... she barfed right before i got to the vet, and they were nervous to let her go. but if she can hold off on the barfing overnight, i can try feeding her in the morning and see how she does.

in the meantime, she's already looking a bit better... being at home means she's calmer, which means no more uncontrollable drooling, and she's in the middle of a peaceful snooze on one of my low bookshelves (i had to place her there 'cause she wanted to jump up but didn't have the energy. awwwwww.). now i just have to figure out sleeping arrangements... i can't sleep in the bedroom, 'cause the bed is too high for her and if she crawls under she might never come out. perhaps i'll bust out the air mattress and sleep in the living room... that way she can crawl up on my pillow if she wants to try her old routine.

god, i'm glad to have her here.