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i think monkey's going to sleep today.
i spoke to the vet yesterday, and we talked about her progress (there's been none) and what the next steps would be... she said we could x-ray her to see if the cancer has spread, or if the feeding tube is in an odd spot in her stomach, to cause all this vomiting. but she admitted that the tube seemed fine when she saw her last week, and i offered that if she did now have cancer in her stomach, she's already on chemo so there was nothing else to do.
the vet paused and then said, "maybe we should stop".
and that's what i needed to hear... that i've done all i could, that her quality of life is at issue and that i wouldn't be giving up too easily if i let her go. i don't want to at all, i really don't... i feel like i've failed her, like maybe there was one more thing i could do, one little thing here at home i could alter in some way to make her more comfortable and make the nausea stop. i told the vet i'd think about it... i had an appointment already scheduled for saturday and if i decided yes then we could do it then. but then i got up this morning, and i fed her only a teeny bit and she sent it right back up... and my heart broke for her. i can't drag this out for her anymore, make her vomit 3x a day for another 3 days just so i can have her here a little bit more. so i left a message for the vet to call me; she might be able to do it today, and finally give monkey some peace.
i don't even know how i'm going to get through this day. god.
i spoke to the vet yesterday, and we talked about her progress (there's been none) and what the next steps would be... she said we could x-ray her to see if the cancer has spread, or if the feeding tube is in an odd spot in her stomach, to cause all this vomiting. but she admitted that the tube seemed fine when she saw her last week, and i offered that if she did now have cancer in her stomach, she's already on chemo so there was nothing else to do.
the vet paused and then said, "maybe we should stop".
and that's what i needed to hear... that i've done all i could, that her quality of life is at issue and that i wouldn't be giving up too easily if i let her go. i don't want to at all, i really don't... i feel like i've failed her, like maybe there was one more thing i could do, one little thing here at home i could alter in some way to make her more comfortable and make the nausea stop. i told the vet i'd think about it... i had an appointment already scheduled for saturday and if i decided yes then we could do it then. but then i got up this morning, and i fed her only a teeny bit and she sent it right back up... and my heart broke for her. i can't drag this out for her anymore, make her vomit 3x a day for another 3 days just so i can have her here a little bit more. so i left a message for the vet to call me; she might be able to do it today, and finally give monkey some peace.
i don't even know how i'm going to get through this day. god.
