my little girl is gone. where do i start.

[swingchickie]

the hospital was able to take us at 1:30 today, so i had the entire morning to snuggle with monkey and say goodbye. it was unbearably sad -- i held her in my arms and smooched her and drenched her in tears, and she sat there and purred up a storm. when i finally had to take her to the vet, i actually got weak... especially when we walked out the door, knowing that i was going to be walking back into my apartment without my little best friend.

the folks at angell were so loving and wonderful. these people, especially the oncology staff, have seen me and monkey so many times this year... so several of them hugged me and told me that i was doing the right thing, that i'd gone above and beyond the call of duty with monkey and that letting her go was a very loving thing to do. i brought her into an exam room and talked to her oncologist about what i wanted... i'd wanted her to go at home, but because she was dehydrated the fear was that it wouldn't go right and i'd still have to bring her in... so the next best thing was to bring her outside so that she wouldn't be scared in the hospital. so they took her to put a little catheter in her leg, and the vet explained what would happen (she'd get a sedative first to calm her down and make her unaware, and then she'd get something that would stop her heart... the whole thing would take under a minute, and would be very peaceful).

once the catheter was in, we went down the long hall (angell is a real-sized hospital, so the hallways are really long), outside and down the front steps of the main building. we went over to the wall (so i could sit up against it), and they put a blanket down for me to sit on... i sat up with my knees bent, with monkey in my lap and her head on my chest, and she settled in and got comfy. they left me alone with her for a bit to say goodbye, and i just smooched the heck out of her and told her how much i loved her. after a few minutes, the oncologist came back and looked down and smiled... "wow, she looks so content right now." and amazingly, she was... she was settled into me and calm, the sun was shining, there was a nice breeze blowing. it was absolutely beautiful, and my heart felt sad but at peace.

the doctor gave her the sedative, and monkey settled into me more and got really limp. then it was time for the other medication. she injected it into the catheter, monkey let out a sigh, and i cried a few tears, thinking she was gone. but then she licked her lips. the vet took her stethoscope (she was kneeling in the grass beside me) and listened... monkey still had a heartbeat, but it was very slow and faint. after another minute, when monkey licked her lips a few more times, the vet ran back into the hospital to get another dose.

i sat out in the sunshine with monkey in my arms, trying to soothe her and get her through this. inside my brain was screaming, because i had no idea if she was even conscious at that point, and i was terrified that she was in pain or scared. the vet came back with another syringe, and went to the catheter... and it turns out the catheter had come out. so monkey had only gotten about half of the dose needed to let her go quickly. god. so we had to rush her back into the hospital, down that long corridor, and into a room... i laid her on the table, with the blanket under her, and put my hand under her head and stroked her front paws with the other. a tech was brought in to put a teeny butterfly needle in her leg... and then they gave her another injection. a few seconds later her pupils dilated, and she was gone.

how it all turned out makes me so, so sad. if she had gone out there in the sunshine, it would have been so beautiful... instead, the way she passed was the very way i didn't want her to go -- in the hospital, and in a prolonged way. i can only pray that she really didn't know what was going on. that hope is the only thing that is keeping me from having a complete meltdown right now.

and now i don't even know what to do with myself. i just keep pacing the apartment, crying occasionally and then just sitting there. if i watch tv, that's so empty... but i can't be alone with my thoughts, because i'm so raw right now. ugh.

btw, thanks to everyone for your kind wishes, and the phone calls and e-mails (even the pleasant surprise of one from an unlikely person)... it all meant a lot to me.

Comments

[shanabanana.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, hon. Can you get out of the house with someone for a while, or at least have someone come over?

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

i thought about it, but i honestly need to be alone tonight. i guess i just need a chance to boo-hoo a lot. i'm back to work tomorrow, so that'll take my mind off things a bit.

[viellen]

Aww man, I'm glad you got good news today to help you deal with the blow of losing monkey. I completely understand what you're going through...I put down a kitty and Angell last year. Nothing like balling my eyes out in a waiting room of dozens of pets and their owners, ugh.

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

that's exactly what happened to me... i sat there in the waiting room, not being able to look at anyone... the vet tech came out and said, "hard day for you, i know..." and i just lost it. ugh.

[(Anonymous)]

Just know, I'm so very sorry.
L-

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

thanks, hon. :)

[naughtyboy.livejournal.com]

I'm not much of a cat person but I know what you have gone through in the past year or so and I am proud of you for taking the "quality of life" route. I am also happy for you that you got the philly gig and am sure there are plenty of shelters down there for you to find Monkey II when you are ready.

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

thanks, forrest. honestly, i'm not sure i'll be getting a "monkey II", although philly is where i adopted her to begin with... angus is very much enjoying being the only cat in the apartment, and i think i need to focus on loving him to bits after all the time and energy and worry i've spent on monkey this year.

[swankyfunk.livejournal.com]

This made me cry. I'm going to miss Monkey even though I never met her. I admire your dedication to her right up until the end, and I know she felt your love right through everything, and that's what matters. *HUGS*

And on the other end of the spectrum, congratulations on the job offer -- I can totally understand why your head exploded!

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

thanks sweetie. that's my hope, that if she was at all conscious, my holding her made it a bit better for her. it's heartbreaking.

and yeah, talk about awful timing... 2 life-changing things in one day. it's almost too much to bear.

[inkuwait.livejournal.com]

i don't know if this will help. It does create a loving visual though, i think. http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

aw. that's really sweet. i do believe that i'll see her again, in some form. we were too joined at the heart for that not to happen.