this is quite possibly the worst day of my life.

[swingchickie]

i think monkey's going to sleep today.

i spoke to the vet yesterday, and we talked about her progress (there's been none) and what the next steps would be... she said we could x-ray her to see if the cancer has spread, or if the feeding tube is in an odd spot in her stomach, to cause all this vomiting. but she admitted that the tube seemed fine when she saw her last week, and i offered that if she did now have cancer in her stomach, she's already on chemo so there was nothing else to do.

the vet paused and then said, "maybe we should stop".

and that's what i needed to hear... that i've done all i could, that her quality of life is at issue and that i wouldn't be giving up too easily if i let her go. i don't want to at all, i really don't... i feel like i've failed her, like maybe there was one more thing i could do, one little thing here at home i could alter in some way to make her more comfortable and make the nausea stop. i told the vet i'd think about it... i had an appointment already scheduled for saturday and if i decided yes then we could do it then. but then i got up this morning, and i fed her only a teeny bit and she sent it right back up... and my heart broke for her. i can't drag this out for her anymore, make her vomit 3x a day for another 3 days just so i can have her here a little bit more. so i left a message for the vet to call me; she might be able to do it today, and finally give monkey some peace.

i don't even know how i'm going to get through this day. god.

Comments

[swifty.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry! I've just been through losing a pet, it's the hardest thing ever. Stay strong.

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

thanks hon, i know... i was thining of you through all my decisions, and it helped me hang on, knowing i wasn't alone.

[shanabanana.livejournal.com]

HUUUUUGE hug. I'm so sorry that this day has come. You've done an extraordinay amount for Monkey, and there's no doubt that you could have made her life any better than you have. Take care of yourself.

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

*hug back* thanks shana. and as another "animal mommy", i know you know where i'm coming from.

[nuprinz.livejournal.com]

Oh darlin... huuugs...I wish I had words to make you feel better or better still that I could give you a real hug.

so sorry

[katehaney.livejournal.com]

Babe, I'm sending so much loving karma your way, you should be knocked right on your ass.

There is no way to say how sorry I am that it's come to this. You've done so much for Monkey -- she knows you love her and that you want to do and have done all that you possibly could for her. As much as it hurts, sparing her unnecessary pain is the right thing to do.

In both your hearts, you'll always be curled up together in a purring Monkeyhug.

Re: so sorry

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

awwww, that's the best. this made me smile (and then bawl) when i read it this morning. i swear, at the rate i'm going, i'm going to have about 500 baby therapy points to cash in pretty soon. ugh.

Re: so sorry

[katehaney.livejournal.com]

Honey, you can have as much baby therapy as you want... and the points are worth more now that he's a superstar, right?

Seriously, I can't begin to express adequately how sorry I am. I have to admit: I couldn't read your journal for a couple of days, because I'd cry every time. I know it's a gazillion times worse for you.

I hope it helps in some teenytiny way to know how many of us love you and are feeling your pain.

[swankyfunk.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* for you and Monkey.

[weezerthe1.livejournal.com]

i am so sorry darling
but you are right, it's time
sending you all kinds of love