dr. jekyll and jenny craig

[swingchickie]

so, it seems i have 2 totally different people inhabiting my body.

person #1 is the one i like to think of as "me". the person who gets complimented on her clothes, her makeup, her good taste. the person friends ask to go shopping with them, because they admire her sense of style. the person who, in the last week, heard 2 people tell her they thought she was in her mid-20s, instead of 34.

person #2 is the one i saw on video today, in the west coast swing competition over new year's eve. the person who, i can't believe i'm saying this, is fat. no, seriously, FAT. like, kirstie-alley-in-the-jenny-craig-ads fat. i looked at this image of me, seeing myself full-length for the first time in years, and i was horrified. i have a double chin. back fat. rolls around my waist. and an ass that i always knew was big, but is in reality gargantuan. i don't like person #2, especially considering that she's who people see when i walk down the street.

i'm not posting this to fish for feedback or compliments. i'm just finally getting honest with myself about what i really look like, and it's really, REALLY unpleasant. i looked at footage of myself standing next to people i had always considered really heavy, and realized that standing next to them, *I* was the larger one. watching that video today was awful, but it was the harsh wakeup call i needed to finally make some changes in my life. i'm heading to bed now... and tomorrow starts the road to the new me... so that maybe people #1 and #2 will finally be the same.

Comments

[12thknight.livejournal.com]

I know you're not fishing.

Jennifer, I'm sorry you got troubled by seeing a video of the competition - but if you're going to be honest with yourself, please be honest in a positive manner and simply envision how you'd like to look. I'm sure Kim could crack open the South Beach bible for you again and read from Steak and Eggs chapter 3, verse 5. If you want to lose ten or twenty pounds, do it for you - but not for the people who you're imagining see you as a fat person.

The first time I saw you, I saw you full-length, sticking quarters in a parking meter outside the coffee shop - and I smiled as you walked toward me. I watched your face - that chin you speak of, your eyes and your laugh all morning. I had, and have, the great privilege of seeing how beautiful your heart is.

Jennifer, if it matters to you how much you weigh, then you can take steps. Being self-critical isn't one of those steps. Everyone here knows very damn well how beautiful you are, and this hurts me to read this, because it makes many of my words seem like lies.

And I know they're not.

Be gentle with yourself and stick to a healthy plan. That's all. There's no reason to tear at yourself or think evil thoughts.

::sigh, hug::

Good night, Guinevere.

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

i appreciate your positive feedback, i really do. but "being honest in a positive manner" is what's made me this way to begin with. it's made it too easy to say to myself, "i can eat out with friends tonight and splurge, it's okay because even if i gain a pound, i'm a good person, i'm still pretty, etc. etc." somewhere in there i'm pretty, and i know i am inside, but the outside is sloppy. with all this extra weight on me, i look sloppy, my dancing looks sloppy, and i can't believe it took this long to see it.

i don't see this as negative, i see it as brutally honest. a wake-up call. if i had only 10 or 20 pounds to lose, as you said, i could see it sounding a bit negative, because that's not much to have to get rid of... that gets into a self-esteem issue (like one of my girlfriends who's a size 0 and just started going to the gym because she insists she actually has places she needs to tone... when in reality she has never ever been happy with her looks, and will never think she's thin enough). but according to every weight chart and health guideline, i have 40 or 50 pounds to lose, minimum. i could lose 60 or so and still be healthy... i've been 60 pounds thinner than this, and still had the wide hips and all. that's how much i've let myself go.

i'm not going to starve myself and go all anorexic or anything, i'm not stupid or self-destructive. i just need to stop fooling myself about my appearance.

[12thknight.livejournal.com]

The last thing I would want you to infer from my comments is that you're stupid. You're smart, and you already know what you need to do if this is what you want. There are shades of self-destructive in there, though, and I'm not speaking to wanting to lose however many pounds you want. It's that you seem to loathe yourself for getting as far as you think you have, and resist labels such as "pretty", even in your reply. I'm just saying that inside, outside and upside down, you are beautiful. Always have been, and I know people get that.

You have only one problem here. I just fear that it's going to escape isolation and metastatize in your self-concept. My simple point is that there's no need for that - you won't reach a single goal if you don't think you're worth the effort.

::hug:: Just let me know how I can help, that's all.