dr. jekyll and jenny craig
Feb. 2nd, 2005 10:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swingchickieso, it seems i have 2 totally different people inhabiting my body.
person #1 is the one i like to think of as "me". the person who gets complimented on her clothes, her makeup, her good taste. the person friends ask to go shopping with them, because they admire her sense of style. the person who, in the last week, heard 2 people tell her they thought she was in her mid-20s, instead of 34.
person #2 is the one i saw on video today, in the west coast swing competition over new year's eve. the person who, i can't believe i'm saying this, is fat. no, seriously, FAT. like, kirstie-alley-in-the-jenny-craig-ads fat. i looked at this image of me, seeing myself full-length for the first time in years, and i was horrified. i have a double chin. back fat. rolls around my waist. and an ass that i always knew was big, but is in reality gargantuan. i don't like person #2, especially considering that she's who people see when i walk down the street.
i'm not posting this to fish for feedback or compliments. i'm just finally getting honest with myself about what i really look like, and it's really, REALLY unpleasant. i looked at footage of myself standing next to people i had always considered really heavy, and realized that standing next to them, *I* was the larger one. watching that video today was awful, but it was the harsh wakeup call i needed to finally make some changes in my life. i'm heading to bed now... and tomorrow starts the road to the new me... so that maybe people #1 and #2 will finally be the same.
person #1 is the one i like to think of as "me". the person who gets complimented on her clothes, her makeup, her good taste. the person friends ask to go shopping with them, because they admire her sense of style. the person who, in the last week, heard 2 people tell her they thought she was in her mid-20s, instead of 34.
person #2 is the one i saw on video today, in the west coast swing competition over new year's eve. the person who, i can't believe i'm saying this, is fat. no, seriously, FAT. like, kirstie-alley-in-the-jenny-craig-ads fat. i looked at this image of me, seeing myself full-length for the first time in years, and i was horrified. i have a double chin. back fat. rolls around my waist. and an ass that i always knew was big, but is in reality gargantuan. i don't like person #2, especially considering that she's who people see when i walk down the street.
i'm not posting this to fish for feedback or compliments. i'm just finally getting honest with myself about what i really look like, and it's really, REALLY unpleasant. i looked at footage of myself standing next to people i had always considered really heavy, and realized that standing next to them, *I* was the larger one. watching that video today was awful, but it was the harsh wakeup call i needed to finally make some changes in my life. i'm heading to bed now... and tomorrow starts the road to the new me... so that maybe people #1 and #2 will finally be the same.
