okay, i need some serious advice.
Apr. 16th, 2006 10:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swingchickiei am completely through the roof right now, and i need someone to tell me if i'm being unreasonable. *seethe*
i'm sure i've posted about my friend M in the past. this is the girl who was my roommate for 2 years in college, a friendship that i've been trying to phase out of my life since i was about 21. sure we've had good times, especially when we were younger... but overwhelmingly, my experience with her has been negative. when we were in college, it was her temper, which i took because i was a total doormat. after college, i saw her a bit less so i didn't see the temper much, but she was incredibly bossy and nosy, wanting to know every detail of my personal life while staying completely closed-lipped about hers (no lie, for years i didn't even know what her job was).
once i moved to boston, i figured it would be easier to lose touch. but she called all the time, complianing that i never called her (and complaining that none of her college friends ever called her anymore... she never got that maybe she was driving people away)... she'd get furious if i came home to philly for a visit and didn't make time to see her every time. as the years went on, temper and bossiness gave way to all sorts of quirks and inappropriate social behavior -- she developed a phobia of driving to the mall, so she'd want to go there but i'd have to meet her down the street and drive her... at my mom's husband's funeral, she asked if she could "bum a ride" with my grieving family to the luncheon afterwards, meaning that my brother had to leave early to drive her back to the church when she wanted to leave (with a purse full of danish from the buffet that she wanted to bring home to her boyfriend). 5 years ago, her boyfriend suffered a stroke and died after a routine surgery, so i tried to be supportive and make an extra effort to see her when i was in town... but 5 years later, she has gone even farther into the quirks and moods, and says it's because she can't get over his death.
i could go on and on, this is basically 20 years of me keeping my mouth shut and trying to be a nice person in the face of a really bizarre situation. and i recognize that my silence hasn't helped the situation any... it's partly me trying to stay away from her temper, and not wanting to be a jerk considering that she's not really mentally stable. but i don't know how many more years of this i can take.
so, cut to the situation that's irking me. M is the person who called me yesterday at 8am to chat. i told her i'd call her back when i got up... i got up soon after, because i couldn't fall back asleep after her call, so i went out and ran a few errands first. i figured calling her back at a later hour would reinforce that she shouldn't call me early. her first question when i called? "what time did you get up???" grrrr. anyway... so just now i got a call from my mother... she said, "M called me at 8 this morning, asking if i would hang out with her." WHAT??? my mother barely knows M, they've been in each other's presence maybe a dozen times in 20 years. why would M feel that it's socially appropriate to call my mom (especially at 8 IN THE FREAKING MORNING), and want to hang out with her one-on-one? and my mother, because she's a good person (and as much of a doormat as i was in college), is actually considering calling her back, even though she's wierded out that M is calling her like this.
so, i'm torn. part of me really wants to call M right now and tell her to quit it. but then there's that part of me that feels sorry for her because of all her problems and her loneliness and her depression (she was recently diagnosed as being bipolar, which she's furious about). and my mother is a big girl, so i don't think i should call M and tell her to leave my mother alone... but my mom won't say anything to her because she's been put on the spot.
ARGH, this is driving me nuts. this has completely ruined my easter.
i'm sure i've posted about my friend M in the past. this is the girl who was my roommate for 2 years in college, a friendship that i've been trying to phase out of my life since i was about 21. sure we've had good times, especially when we were younger... but overwhelmingly, my experience with her has been negative. when we were in college, it was her temper, which i took because i was a total doormat. after college, i saw her a bit less so i didn't see the temper much, but she was incredibly bossy and nosy, wanting to know every detail of my personal life while staying completely closed-lipped about hers (no lie, for years i didn't even know what her job was).
once i moved to boston, i figured it would be easier to lose touch. but she called all the time, complianing that i never called her (and complaining that none of her college friends ever called her anymore... she never got that maybe she was driving people away)... she'd get furious if i came home to philly for a visit and didn't make time to see her every time. as the years went on, temper and bossiness gave way to all sorts of quirks and inappropriate social behavior -- she developed a phobia of driving to the mall, so she'd want to go there but i'd have to meet her down the street and drive her... at my mom's husband's funeral, she asked if she could "bum a ride" with my grieving family to the luncheon afterwards, meaning that my brother had to leave early to drive her back to the church when she wanted to leave (with a purse full of danish from the buffet that she wanted to bring home to her boyfriend). 5 years ago, her boyfriend suffered a stroke and died after a routine surgery, so i tried to be supportive and make an extra effort to see her when i was in town... but 5 years later, she has gone even farther into the quirks and moods, and says it's because she can't get over his death.
i could go on and on, this is basically 20 years of me keeping my mouth shut and trying to be a nice person in the face of a really bizarre situation. and i recognize that my silence hasn't helped the situation any... it's partly me trying to stay away from her temper, and not wanting to be a jerk considering that she's not really mentally stable. but i don't know how many more years of this i can take.
so, cut to the situation that's irking me. M is the person who called me yesterday at 8am to chat. i told her i'd call her back when i got up... i got up soon after, because i couldn't fall back asleep after her call, so i went out and ran a few errands first. i figured calling her back at a later hour would reinforce that she shouldn't call me early. her first question when i called? "what time did you get up???" grrrr. anyway... so just now i got a call from my mother... she said, "M called me at 8 this morning, asking if i would hang out with her." WHAT??? my mother barely knows M, they've been in each other's presence maybe a dozen times in 20 years. why would M feel that it's socially appropriate to call my mom (especially at 8 IN THE FREAKING MORNING), and want to hang out with her one-on-one? and my mother, because she's a good person (and as much of a doormat as i was in college), is actually considering calling her back, even though she's wierded out that M is calling her like this.
so, i'm torn. part of me really wants to call M right now and tell her to quit it. but then there's that part of me that feels sorry for her because of all her problems and her loneliness and her depression (she was recently diagnosed as being bipolar, which she's furious about). and my mother is a big girl, so i don't think i should call M and tell her to leave my mother alone... but my mom won't say anything to her because she's been put on the spot.
ARGH, this is driving me nuts. this has completely ruined my easter.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-16 04:51 pm (UTC)> has been negative.
That's all we need to know.
Okay, so she's not well. So what? Does humoring her help that situation any? Hell no, it makes it worse. Every time somebody lets this woman walk all over them, her illness is reinforced. You are not helping her.
There is no moral principle requiring us to put up with assholes in our personal lives. Oh okay, yes, I can see a few such situations, but this is not one of them. It might be different if she'd been a great positive force in your life at one point and then became unwell despite her best efforts to stay well. Is that what happened? Sure doesn't sound like it. Sounds like she's been a jerk to you from day one.
Her illness is real but it is also her catch-all excuse, spoken or unspoken, and it's working, and that does not motivate her to get better.
If you want to help her and people like her, demonstrate the consequences of her behavior by breaking it off and making sure your mother does likewise. Then contribute something to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance or a similar organization if you want to do something that does help.
As one recovering doormat to another: set her out with the trash. The world will not end.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-17 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-17 12:34 am (UTC)... Gods, I am spectacularly sleepy. Tempted to go play later anyway.
no subject
Years? Egads... I hope the answer to that question is "zero"!
It's one thing to feel sorry for someone who is lonely and depressed. It's quite another to be verbally stomped on when that lonely-and-depressed person isn't getting the attention they demand. You can at least hope that her bipolar diagnosis [whether she likes it or not] can get her the help she probably needs.
*reads other comments*
Good luck when you have your little talk with her. As far as the potential screaming match goes, my opinion is, if she starts up with you [ie. the "verbally stomped on" stuff], I think you have every right to respond with "I'm sorry, but if you're going to be talking to me in that tone, I have nothing more to say." and hang up. Hopefully, it won't come to that, though.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-17 02:31 am (UTC)You don't owe her anything, which is to say she has no right to demand a friendship from you.