hrm.

[swingchickie]

i sent an e-mail to someone today that was hard to send, but i think necessary. one of my best friends here in boston left me a voicemail this afternoon, saying that she was around this weekend if i wanted to get together and talk. the thing is, i know that this was more of an offer where we'd talk about monkey for a few minutes, then ignore the unpleasantness and switch to the topic of her month-long european vacation that she just took. and i just can't. i'm thrilled that she went away and had fun, i want to look at her millions of photos at some point, but i'm just not ready. and to be honest, the biggest reason i can't see her right now is that i'm just so disappointed. when she found out monkey died (i sent an e-mail out to friends and family right after it happened), she e-mailed back and told me she was sorry and that she'd be in touch. three days have gone by... in the meantime, my phone has been ringing off the hook with people asking how i am, wanting to come over so they can hug me, taking me out for coffee, and most of all just being there to let me talk and cry so i can start healing. and the 3 people who i needed the most, the 3 people who i consider my best friends here in boston... e-mailed me (which i appreciate) but never called or offered to visit. and i'm just sad about it, really sad.

so, when i got the call, it just hit me too hard, and i sent her an e-mail explaining why i was so hurt, why i just couldn't call her right now. am i being too hard on my friends? i don't know... i feel like i'm always there when people need me, i'm the one J calls to go off on a 2-hour rant about whatever bee is in his bonnet that day, i'm the one who has counseled people through their breakups and cheered them on when they've needed it. so it hurts me that they're not there to offer a shoulder to cry on in return, until several days have passed, if at all.

maybe i'm just overly sensitive because of my pain. i dunno.