she's worse.

[swingchickie]

god, i'd really hoped that i'd be bringing monkey home today. i figured with her feeding tube in, she's start getting more fluids and nutrition and i could start doing that stuff for her here. instead, i went to visit her today, and she was worse. much worse. face covered in drool, motionless, curled up in a spot of urine in her litterbox. i held her for the entire hour, petting her and talking to her, and she was barely responsive... to the point that, a couple of times, i thought she had died in my arms. before i left, i begged one of the techs to take her vital signs again, and told them how scared i was. they said they'd take care of her, and that i'd get a call from the attending vet this afternoon.

so, i got the call a little while ago. they want to know what they should do if her heart stops in the middle of the night. god. god. god. i can't stand this, sitting here at home not knowing what's going on there. if her heart stops, they won't even know it right away, because she's not on a monitor or anything. i didn't want it to be like this. i wanted her to die here, in my arms, where she felt safer... i always thought i'd have a vet come here and take care of it quickly. now she's in a cage, hooked up to tubes and covered in bandages... and if she dies tonight, i'll have totally failed her.

god, PLEASE let her make it through the night. please. i can't take this.

Comments

[nyakototo.livejournal.com]

You may not know me but I needed to send you spiritual hugs. I hope your prayer comes true.
*sniff*

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

thank you so much. i need all the good energy i can get.

[nyakototo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
xoxoxoxoxo

[steven.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry; I wish there were something I could do to help.

If thiings today are just as bad, maybe you should go get her and bring her home if things continue to look dire.

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

yeah, i've already thought about doing that. i'm going to talk to her doctor this morning, and see what she thinks... if she's getting a bit better, we'll carry on, but if she's that awful, i'd like her to be here when she goes. it's just the most awful decision to make, and i hope i won't have to make it today.

thanks for your kind thoughts. :)