ponderin'

[swingchickie]

been thinking about this for a while now...

i have several friends who have other friends i can't stand. like, i've met the other friends and had a bad experience with them... the person might be really odd, or a raging bitch, or you name it. so whenever i have to come into contact with the other friend, or hear them talked about, my stomach just clenches up... it's like i want to take my friend aside and shake them and go, "what do you SEE in them???"

growing up, my parents used to always say, "show me your friends and i'll show you what you're really like"... i've always taken that to heart, both in my own friendships as well as others. it's been a factor in relationships before, because like my parents, if someone i'm with has a friendship that's really "off", it changes my view of what they're really about.

obviously i'm not a perfect person myself. but eek. so how do i deal with this, when my only 2 options seem to be 1) talk to the friend about it, which hurts the friendship, or 2) just lock it away inside me until it becomes a hardened little ball in my stomach and i die a misearble, bitter old woman? *grin*

Comments

[steven.livejournal.com]

Everyone sees something different. There's no way you're going to like all of your friends' friends. I don't have an easy answer, but I'd say option 1 would only create more tension. It shouldn't be a choice, though, between just 1 and 2.

I have friends who have friends I dislike. On the rare occasion we're all together, I just let the things about the other friends roll off me. They're not MY friends.

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

i agree about option 1... and it's not my place to say who should be friends with whom. so i've been going with option 2, which doesn't feel healthy either (i have actually lost sleep stewing over stuff that a friend-of-a-friend has done). i wish i was better about letting things roll off of me... but if the person is someone i wouldn't want in my life, then i don't want to have to come into contact with them, you know? :)

[swingdoc.livejournal.com]

i understand your dilemma. . .i've had problems dealing with those feelings, too. there may be a fraction of those folks you don't care for who your friends have had the opportunity to see in a different light. for example, perhaps you, as a confident, intellignet, attractive woman, set off someone's insecurities and hence you see the raging bitch. others may be acting differently due to some dynamic that got set up that you may not be aware of. i can't think of a good example, but it goes along with what was posted above about seeing people in different circumstances, etc. for me personally, i have turned around some dynamics by really making an effort to get to know the person better, to do whatever i could to make everything on my end positive, so s/he isn't picking up on my "throwing mental knives at them" vibes. that has actually resurrected one or 2 relationships that i would have thought would never be in the realm of a friendship.

the other challenge for me is allowing things that bother me to "roll off me". that seems to be a male-predominant skill, and if you figure out how to learn it, please let me know!