get out the crucifix and holy water...
Jan. 30th, 2005 01:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swingchickie...because some demons are about to get exorcised.
a couple of weeks ago, i had posted a horoscope of mine, that opened up a pandora's box of old issues for me. it's funny -- i am very open with my feelings, and so you'd think that i'd be able to get stuff out and then move on. but nope... i've always said that i don't just hold a grudge, i brandish it... there's painful stuff from when i was much younger that i still cling to, and it's wicked unhealthy. so that horoscope (and thanks to my friends who called and IMed me out of concern, that was really sweet) got the wheels turning again. there are actually a couple of people/situations that made it hit home for me... but i'm only going to talk about one of them today, because it's actually come up in an interesting turn of events.
so. where to start. let's go all the way back to when i was 12 years old. (yes, this is waaaay in my past!) i had just moved back to the states from almost 3 years in kuwait (because of my dad's job), and had to spend 8th grade at a new catholic school. i joined the parish folk choir, the group of teenagers who sang at the guitar mass every sunday, as a way of making some new friends and getting the chance to sing (my major love at the time).
there was a boy in the group, P, who i developed an instant crush on. he was just dreamy -- a high school freshman, really cute with wavy brown hair and glasses, and he was just so funny and nice. and the fact that he could sing and play the guitar made him pretty swoon-worthy to my 12-year-old heart. every week i looked forward to rehearsal, and would get butterflies in my stomach as my dad's car neared the church, because i knew i was going to get to see him. but i was (and still am) unbearably shy and goofy when it comes to having a crush on someone, and so i never told him how i felt. i'd rather have died.
time went on and i went to high school, and still saw P at choir practice and mass every week. my crush never went away... as i got old enough to date, i dreamt of him being my first boyfriend, my first kiss. but he had a girlfriend at his school, and barely knew i existed anyway, so it wasn't meant to be. and ironically the first guy i dated was, of all people, a boy ("C") who lived in P's neighborhood whom i had actually met through P at one point. i dated another couple of guys throughout school, and pretty much moved on, resigning myself to the fact that he and i would just be distant friends.
but then my high school graduation came. P had been off at college for a year, so i hadn't seen him in a long time. when it was time for my graduation party, i invited C and told him to let P know that he was invited as well. we all had a great time, and it rekindled the friendship P and i had had before... in the weeks after the party, we hung out a few times with other kids, and i recognized that my feelings for him were still there.
a couple of weeks later, he called me and asked me out. i was so happy, my brain practically short-circuited. for five years i had secretly been in love with him, and now he had finally noticed me, really noticed me! of course i said yes. and that summer was, hands down, one of the best of my life. we did everything together -- movies, miniature golf, dinner dates, concerts... even a trip to the mall with him felt like the coolest thing in the world to do. and finally dating him confirmed that he was, in my mind, my dream guy... smart as hell, gorgeous, funny, spontaneous, outgoing, and romantic. once he stopped by the supermarket where i worked as a cashier, and came through my lane with a bouquet of flowers and a card... inside the card was a lottery ticket, and the numbers he'd chosen were those of our birthdays and our anniversary date. he told me that, if we won, we'd put the money in an account to pay for our wedding someday. we dreamed about the future, and had everything all planned out: P would graduate a year before me, start working, and save as much money as he could... when i graduated, we'd take the money he'd saved and get married, and start our life together. i was absolutely giddy, head-over-heels in love with him, and it was completely worth the 5 years of waiting.
but a few weeks before i went away to start college, it all ended abruptly. i took P on a surprise date, i blindfolded him and drove him to a candlelit picnic dinner with our favorite tape (joe jackson) playing on my boom box. all of a sudden, in the middle of my romantic plans, he blurted out that he was breaking up with me. i was so stunned, it was such a surprise to me, that i didn't even ask him why. we just packed up the picnic leftovers and i drove him home, and that was it. i finished out the summer in unbearable heartache, and went away to school, glad for the distance between us so that i could heal.
freshman year was really fantastic, i got involved in a lot of school activities and dated a couple of people. towards the end of the year, completely out of the blue, i got a call from P... he was going to be in the area and wanted to see me. we met up on a saturday morning, and in typical P romantic fashion, he surprised me by driving all the way down to baltimore. we fell right back into love, and spent the day chasing each other along the Skywalk, running, laughing, and holding hands. it was like we hadn't been apart at all. i was over the moon. but a few days later, he called, and told me he'd had second thoughts, and didn't think it was a good idea for us to get back together. once again, my heart was shattered.
the summer came and went, and i started my sophomore year. in the late fall, we had a semiformal dance, and for some reason i invited P to be my date. (i don't remember the circumstances.) he came down to my school, and once again we rekindled the old flame. he asked me out yet again, telling me that he had missed me a ton and wanted things to really work this time. even though i was afraid of another letdown, i was still in love with him. i said yes.
the next day, before driving home, he told me it wasn't a good idea, and broke things off for the 3rd time.
believe it or not, there was actually a 4th time, too. somewhere around the beginning of my junior year, he contacted me again, once again telling me that he missed me, that i was the only one for him, he was so stupid for letting me go, etc. etc. sitting in his car, i had a blunt talk with him (well, blunt for me being a wimpy 20-year-old), and told him that this was the last time. i told him that i was tired of the rollercoaster, tired of him coming back each time just as i was starting to get over him, and that if he broke things off again we were completely through -- no more friendship, no contact, nothing. he told me that he understood, that he'd done a lot of soul-searching and that he loved me more than anything, and was willing to make it work.
the next day, my mother found a note in the door from him, breaking things off for the 4th time.
and so, that was it. everything was done. at some point, i think it was my birthday, he sent me a card... and i ripped it up, still sealed in its envelope, stamp and all, and mailed it back to him. to this day i still don't know what the card said. i finished out college with a wonderful boyfriend, R, who at 10 years older than me, was much more stable and secure. i loved him very much, enough to lose my virginity to him (another thing i had hoped to give to P when i was younger). things were going really well with R, and then i got some news that was like a kick in the stomach: just before graduation, his brother (who went to school with me) told me that at 22 years old, P was engaged to his college girlfriend. whoa. so, it really was final. even though i had pushed P away after breakup #4, in the years that followed there had always been this teeny hope that'd he'd finally freaking grow up and come back to me as an actual mature adult. instead, he had moved on and found another girl to spend the rest of his life with.
i moved home after graduation, and spent my first week back sorting through boxes of old belongings. at the bottom of one box, i found something i hadn't laid eyes on since i was 17: a letter i'd written to P after our first breakup, several pages filled with teenaged pain that i'd packed away instead of mailing. as i read the letter, i had a flood of emotions... there was pain, and regret, and anger... but there was also a wisfulness there, like was actually more amused by the power of my young feelings back then. i held onto the letter, not knowing what to do with it, and then jumped on an impulse after a few days: i mailed the letter to P, with a note inside... i told him that i'd heard he was engaged, and that i wished him all the best, and that i'd come across this letter in an old box and thought he might find it amusing after all these years. i figured it was a way for me to get rid of the letter, and to give him a chance to laugh and shake his head at how young and stupid we'd been. as i popped it in the mail, i felt a sense of finality, like i was really letting go of him and moving on, as he moved on towards his wedding date.
instead, two days later, my phone rang... i answered, and it was P, crying. he'd received my letter, and had to see me. i told him that i was really torn, that i wasn't sure it was a good idea, and he asked me to see him for old time's sake. against my better judgement, i agreed to meet him for lunch. at the restaurant, i sat across the table from him and had so many mixed emotions... i was incredibly confused. here was P about to get married in a few months, and he was telling me that he still loved me, that he'd never stopped... and that after i'd mailed him back that shredded card, he'd figured that was it and had started dating someone, and now he was about to marry her and was unsure. i wanted to punch him in the face, for breaking my heart so many times and then making a commitment to another woman who didn't seem to be a good fit for him (according to him). what made it even worse is that, after sitting there and telling me he still loved me and all of that, he married her anyway. not that i expected or wanted him to call off the wedding to be with me (far from it -- did i really need a 5th breakup?)... but i was angry at him for doing this to her. if she knew that she was marrying a guy who had reservations, it would have broken her heart.
over the years, i've wondered how P's been doing. about 8 years ago i heard his wife was expecting their first child. i moved on and dated a number of wonderful guys over the years, but no-one has had the same effect on me. not that i'm looking for someone just like P, that's completely psycho and unhealthy. *grin* but i just think back to that summer we spent together, and how giddy i was, and hope that i'll feel that way again someday, but with someone who is more stable.
which brings us to that horoscope from a couple of weeks ago. (have you fallen asleep yet?) when i read that, it brought up the whole situation with P and another ex of mine, and the fact that i've spent the last decade and a half with so much regret inside. my biggest regret? that i never asked him what the hell his problem was. i was such a wuss, i never asked for an explanation of the breakups, or for why he would want to get back together again each time. to this day i don't understand why all of that went on, and i think knowing would have helped me to fully get over it all. so i've spent the last couple of weeks thinking about P, and working through my feelings and allowing myself to forgive him.
then of all things, as i was driving down to philly this week, i was listening to something on the radio about people getting back in touch with old friends through classmates.com. i've been on classmates for years, but only for the schools i went to... i suddenly wondered if P was registered for his school. so i went online the other day, and lo and behold, there he was. and according to his profile, his life is my absolute hell -- minivans and soccer practice and PTA meetings in a dinky town in the middle of nowhere, pennsylvania. and that suddenly made me feel a lot better. i love my life, and it wouldn't be this way if we had stayed together... i'd be a stay-at-home mom in a snoozy suburb, instead of swing-dancing "li'l momma" in one of the most exciting cities in the country.
so, last night i fired off a quick note to him via the site, telling him that i was glad to see he was doing well and asking if he had kept in touch with some of our other friends. and i'll admit, the vindictive scorpio in me wanted to get an e-mail back saying that he was fat and miserable. lol instead, i got a very nice e-mail telling me about his kids, and catching me up on his family and the other folks we grew up with... and it was just perfect. there was no pang of jealousy as i read his e-mail, no regret. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that i've forgiven him finally and have stopped letting the past eat me alive from the inside out.
the demons have taken a rest.
a couple of weeks ago, i had posted a horoscope of mine, that opened up a pandora's box of old issues for me. it's funny -- i am very open with my feelings, and so you'd think that i'd be able to get stuff out and then move on. but nope... i've always said that i don't just hold a grudge, i brandish it... there's painful stuff from when i was much younger that i still cling to, and it's wicked unhealthy. so that horoscope (and thanks to my friends who called and IMed me out of concern, that was really sweet) got the wheels turning again. there are actually a couple of people/situations that made it hit home for me... but i'm only going to talk about one of them today, because it's actually come up in an interesting turn of events.
so. where to start. let's go all the way back to when i was 12 years old. (yes, this is waaaay in my past!) i had just moved back to the states from almost 3 years in kuwait (because of my dad's job), and had to spend 8th grade at a new catholic school. i joined the parish folk choir, the group of teenagers who sang at the guitar mass every sunday, as a way of making some new friends and getting the chance to sing (my major love at the time).
there was a boy in the group, P, who i developed an instant crush on. he was just dreamy -- a high school freshman, really cute with wavy brown hair and glasses, and he was just so funny and nice. and the fact that he could sing and play the guitar made him pretty swoon-worthy to my 12-year-old heart. every week i looked forward to rehearsal, and would get butterflies in my stomach as my dad's car neared the church, because i knew i was going to get to see him. but i was (and still am) unbearably shy and goofy when it comes to having a crush on someone, and so i never told him how i felt. i'd rather have died.
time went on and i went to high school, and still saw P at choir practice and mass every week. my crush never went away... as i got old enough to date, i dreamt of him being my first boyfriend, my first kiss. but he had a girlfriend at his school, and barely knew i existed anyway, so it wasn't meant to be. and ironically the first guy i dated was, of all people, a boy ("C") who lived in P's neighborhood whom i had actually met through P at one point. i dated another couple of guys throughout school, and pretty much moved on, resigning myself to the fact that he and i would just be distant friends.
but then my high school graduation came. P had been off at college for a year, so i hadn't seen him in a long time. when it was time for my graduation party, i invited C and told him to let P know that he was invited as well. we all had a great time, and it rekindled the friendship P and i had had before... in the weeks after the party, we hung out a few times with other kids, and i recognized that my feelings for him were still there.
a couple of weeks later, he called me and asked me out. i was so happy, my brain practically short-circuited. for five years i had secretly been in love with him, and now he had finally noticed me, really noticed me! of course i said yes. and that summer was, hands down, one of the best of my life. we did everything together -- movies, miniature golf, dinner dates, concerts... even a trip to the mall with him felt like the coolest thing in the world to do. and finally dating him confirmed that he was, in my mind, my dream guy... smart as hell, gorgeous, funny, spontaneous, outgoing, and romantic. once he stopped by the supermarket where i worked as a cashier, and came through my lane with a bouquet of flowers and a card... inside the card was a lottery ticket, and the numbers he'd chosen were those of our birthdays and our anniversary date. he told me that, if we won, we'd put the money in an account to pay for our wedding someday. we dreamed about the future, and had everything all planned out: P would graduate a year before me, start working, and save as much money as he could... when i graduated, we'd take the money he'd saved and get married, and start our life together. i was absolutely giddy, head-over-heels in love with him, and it was completely worth the 5 years of waiting.
but a few weeks before i went away to start college, it all ended abruptly. i took P on a surprise date, i blindfolded him and drove him to a candlelit picnic dinner with our favorite tape (joe jackson) playing on my boom box. all of a sudden, in the middle of my romantic plans, he blurted out that he was breaking up with me. i was so stunned, it was such a surprise to me, that i didn't even ask him why. we just packed up the picnic leftovers and i drove him home, and that was it. i finished out the summer in unbearable heartache, and went away to school, glad for the distance between us so that i could heal.
freshman year was really fantastic, i got involved in a lot of school activities and dated a couple of people. towards the end of the year, completely out of the blue, i got a call from P... he was going to be in the area and wanted to see me. we met up on a saturday morning, and in typical P romantic fashion, he surprised me by driving all the way down to baltimore. we fell right back into love, and spent the day chasing each other along the Skywalk, running, laughing, and holding hands. it was like we hadn't been apart at all. i was over the moon. but a few days later, he called, and told me he'd had second thoughts, and didn't think it was a good idea for us to get back together. once again, my heart was shattered.
the summer came and went, and i started my sophomore year. in the late fall, we had a semiformal dance, and for some reason i invited P to be my date. (i don't remember the circumstances.) he came down to my school, and once again we rekindled the old flame. he asked me out yet again, telling me that he had missed me a ton and wanted things to really work this time. even though i was afraid of another letdown, i was still in love with him. i said yes.
the next day, before driving home, he told me it wasn't a good idea, and broke things off for the 3rd time.
believe it or not, there was actually a 4th time, too. somewhere around the beginning of my junior year, he contacted me again, once again telling me that he missed me, that i was the only one for him, he was so stupid for letting me go, etc. etc. sitting in his car, i had a blunt talk with him (well, blunt for me being a wimpy 20-year-old), and told him that this was the last time. i told him that i was tired of the rollercoaster, tired of him coming back each time just as i was starting to get over him, and that if he broke things off again we were completely through -- no more friendship, no contact, nothing. he told me that he understood, that he'd done a lot of soul-searching and that he loved me more than anything, and was willing to make it work.
the next day, my mother found a note in the door from him, breaking things off for the 4th time.
and so, that was it. everything was done. at some point, i think it was my birthday, he sent me a card... and i ripped it up, still sealed in its envelope, stamp and all, and mailed it back to him. to this day i still don't know what the card said. i finished out college with a wonderful boyfriend, R, who at 10 years older than me, was much more stable and secure. i loved him very much, enough to lose my virginity to him (another thing i had hoped to give to P when i was younger). things were going really well with R, and then i got some news that was like a kick in the stomach: just before graduation, his brother (who went to school with me) told me that at 22 years old, P was engaged to his college girlfriend. whoa. so, it really was final. even though i had pushed P away after breakup #4, in the years that followed there had always been this teeny hope that'd he'd finally freaking grow up and come back to me as an actual mature adult. instead, he had moved on and found another girl to spend the rest of his life with.
i moved home after graduation, and spent my first week back sorting through boxes of old belongings. at the bottom of one box, i found something i hadn't laid eyes on since i was 17: a letter i'd written to P after our first breakup, several pages filled with teenaged pain that i'd packed away instead of mailing. as i read the letter, i had a flood of emotions... there was pain, and regret, and anger... but there was also a wisfulness there, like was actually more amused by the power of my young feelings back then. i held onto the letter, not knowing what to do with it, and then jumped on an impulse after a few days: i mailed the letter to P, with a note inside... i told him that i'd heard he was engaged, and that i wished him all the best, and that i'd come across this letter in an old box and thought he might find it amusing after all these years. i figured it was a way for me to get rid of the letter, and to give him a chance to laugh and shake his head at how young and stupid we'd been. as i popped it in the mail, i felt a sense of finality, like i was really letting go of him and moving on, as he moved on towards his wedding date.
instead, two days later, my phone rang... i answered, and it was P, crying. he'd received my letter, and had to see me. i told him that i was really torn, that i wasn't sure it was a good idea, and he asked me to see him for old time's sake. against my better judgement, i agreed to meet him for lunch. at the restaurant, i sat across the table from him and had so many mixed emotions... i was incredibly confused. here was P about to get married in a few months, and he was telling me that he still loved me, that he'd never stopped... and that after i'd mailed him back that shredded card, he'd figured that was it and had started dating someone, and now he was about to marry her and was unsure. i wanted to punch him in the face, for breaking my heart so many times and then making a commitment to another woman who didn't seem to be a good fit for him (according to him). what made it even worse is that, after sitting there and telling me he still loved me and all of that, he married her anyway. not that i expected or wanted him to call off the wedding to be with me (far from it -- did i really need a 5th breakup?)... but i was angry at him for doing this to her. if she knew that she was marrying a guy who had reservations, it would have broken her heart.
over the years, i've wondered how P's been doing. about 8 years ago i heard his wife was expecting their first child. i moved on and dated a number of wonderful guys over the years, but no-one has had the same effect on me. not that i'm looking for someone just like P, that's completely psycho and unhealthy. *grin* but i just think back to that summer we spent together, and how giddy i was, and hope that i'll feel that way again someday, but with someone who is more stable.
which brings us to that horoscope from a couple of weeks ago. (have you fallen asleep yet?) when i read that, it brought up the whole situation with P and another ex of mine, and the fact that i've spent the last decade and a half with so much regret inside. my biggest regret? that i never asked him what the hell his problem was. i was such a wuss, i never asked for an explanation of the breakups, or for why he would want to get back together again each time. to this day i don't understand why all of that went on, and i think knowing would have helped me to fully get over it all. so i've spent the last couple of weeks thinking about P, and working through my feelings and allowing myself to forgive him.
then of all things, as i was driving down to philly this week, i was listening to something on the radio about people getting back in touch with old friends through classmates.com. i've been on classmates for years, but only for the schools i went to... i suddenly wondered if P was registered for his school. so i went online the other day, and lo and behold, there he was. and according to his profile, his life is my absolute hell -- minivans and soccer practice and PTA meetings in a dinky town in the middle of nowhere, pennsylvania. and that suddenly made me feel a lot better. i love my life, and it wouldn't be this way if we had stayed together... i'd be a stay-at-home mom in a snoozy suburb, instead of swing-dancing "li'l momma" in one of the most exciting cities in the country.
so, last night i fired off a quick note to him via the site, telling him that i was glad to see he was doing well and asking if he had kept in touch with some of our other friends. and i'll admit, the vindictive scorpio in me wanted to get an e-mail back saying that he was fat and miserable. lol instead, i got a very nice e-mail telling me about his kids, and catching me up on his family and the other folks we grew up with... and it was just perfect. there was no pang of jealousy as i read his e-mail, no regret. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that i've forgiven him finally and have stopped letting the past eat me alive from the inside out.
the demons have taken a rest.
