sad stuff. morbid, you might not want to read.

[swingchickie]

i know it's been 6 months since monkey died, but every once in a while it still hits me really hard. like, REALLY hard, and out of nowhere... i even had a big bawl at like 3am one night when i was in europe. dealing with her being gone is bad enough... i still sometimes look at the spot on the sofa where she used to sit, or i get into bed without her, and i feel so sad and lonely... but just when i thought i was starting to deal with it okay, a big wrench was thrown into the works.

on my flight over to europe, i read an article on capital punishment in a magazine... the article talked about when lethal injection goes wrong, and described what it can feel like to the person getting the injection. it basically said that often the person isn't given enough of the sedative beforehand (because too much can screw up the effect of the med that stops your heart)... so what happens is the person looks like they're knocked out on the outside, but in reality they are just immobilized but wide awake and can feel everything, which is excrutiatingly painful.

which brings me to monkey, and what happened the day she died... the fact that the line came out of her leg, and so she didn't get enough of the medication that stopped her heart, and we had to rush her back inside the hospital to re-administer that second dose. and after reading that article on the plane, i thought, what if the line came out while she was getting the sedative, and she didn't get enough of that either? could she have felt what was going on, and have been in that agonizing pain that they described in the article? i'd like to think not, because her heart did slow down a lot, which tells me that the line came out during that second injection (so she got the full dose of the sedative first). but i can still see, clear as day, what she looked like as i held her while the vet ran back inside to get another injection... the movements her little body made while she was in my arms... and i just don't know. and no exaggeration, sometimes those images will hit me out of the blue, and my heart literally stops for a second and my blood runs cold.

i just had one of those thoughts pop into my head a minute ago. and i am trying really hard to keep it together right now, and not cry in my cubicle right before i'm about to go into a meeting. but the thought of my little girl suffering at the end... i wish there was a way to know, because it's too much to take. god.

Comments

[pennycuts.livejournal.com]

~sigh~

just yesterday i was doing groceries and i was stuck in the dog food/treat sections, two ladies were blocking me on either side . Normally i just RUSH through that section so i don't hafto think about it, but i couldn't yesterday. I drove home in tears missing Barney.

I also get that mood when i walk though the door and expect him to jump on me or last week when i cleaned my car and found his leash in my trunk.

I miss him Jen, almost every single day since he's been gone.

I feel your pain.. they are such great little goofballs!! ((hugs))

[swingchickie.livejournal.com]

i know, it's just the worst. i donated her carrier to the animal hospital, because i couldn't even look at it... so i can't imagine what it was like finding barney's leash. *hug* adorable icon, btw... he's such a little cutie in that photo.