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first entry...
Nov. 29th, 2003 08:24 pmso, here i am. my 1st livejournal entry. i have no idea if anyone will ever read these, so i figure what the hell, i should just be completely open and use this to get out whatever's buzzing in my brain on any given day. which is a lot these days... stress is an amazing thing, there are some acute moments of "oh crap", but for the most part, it sneaks up on you over time... building up over the months and years... until there are all these disjointed images that gnaw at the back of your brain and keep you on edge without you really being fully aware of it. i've got so many of 'em, i just don't feel like me anymore. so i'm going to grab at the first image that flashes, maybe i can wrestle it into submission and start to dislodge the other ones and start to get some peace.
so... let's talk about my semi-new year's resolution. i really hate making new year's resolutions, because no one ever sticks to them... people might as well just call them "resolutions to feel like a failure", because that's what you feel like by january 15th when you've dropped it. sometimes if i make any kind of resolution, it's around my birthday, because i find another year of my life is a better catalyst for change. but this one has been brewing inside me for a while now... building for over a decade, and after several failed attempts, i need to make it stick.
i, like millions and millions of people out there, need to make a better me. that sounds so trite, but i've been breaking it down into things i specifically need to start doing to feel more like the "me" i really am (start the sappy self-help talk show music here)... so, i no particular order, here are some of my goals for 2004 (starting 12/1/2003):
1. *become more physically active!* i am a slug. pure and simple. i used to be a cheerleader, dancer, aerobics nut... but over the last few years, it's gotten where i am just a big old couch potato. i belong to a gym, but haven't gone in months... i got mono over the summer, and haven't gone since. so i need to start going to the gym again in the mornings, making it part of my morning routine... and adding dance back into my life some evenings, either classes or social stuff.
2. *eat better!* i'm not talking about a diet, that stuff is crap. (at some point i'll write about the diet book i was involved in a while back.) i need to do the basics of healthy eating: no more fast food for lunch every day. make my own meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. stay away from the foods that make me sick (i have a lot of food allergies, but have no self-control to stay away from them). drink a ton of water, so everything inside is flowing properly and i'm not so tired.
3. *take pride in my appearance!* i've let myself go, looks-wise, over the last year or so. stopped wearing full makeup to work, dress for comfort rather than style, don't care sometimes about cleaning the cat hair off my suit or taking the umbrella to work so i won't get wet. i still look professional every day, but not as much as i'd like... i have a lot of competition in my line of work, so i need to look my best. i also recently decided to grow my hair long (it's very short now), and go to a professional to get my eyebrows shaped. and maybe get a good makeover once the weight starts coming off.
4. *reduce stress!* i am an absolute stress-ball. it's become part of my nature. my boyfriend is amazed at my anxiety level... i am always worried about something: unplug everything every night, there might be a fire... don't open the windows, the cats might lean against the screen and fall out to their deaths... you get the idea. i need to start counseling in january (my new health plan will cover it) to get rid of some of this stuff! and i'm thinking of learning yoga, and getting a massage every month (my insurance will pay for part of it).
5. *stop the money bullsh*t!* i am so irresponsible financially, i am ashamed. i have a great job that pays me well, and yet i live paycheck to paycheck. actually, it's worse than that -- i'm living off my reserve credit, and my paycheck pays it back every month. i need to start budgeting myself and not impulse shopping all the time to fill some empty need. i want to buy a condo in a few years, and i'll never do it with the rate i'm going.
6. *do what i love!* i've gotten away from all the things that used to fuel me -- dance classes. being with my friends. catching up with friends who are far away. singing. how can i get rid of stress unless i have good outlets to keep me going? i need to reconnect with the friends i've neglected, and start feeding my artistic side that's gone dormant for so long.
so, that's it in a nutshell. a lot of big things, but i think taking each of them week by week can make them doable. in a future entry, i'll talk about last year's failed attempts to do some of these... i think looking at my past effots, at the hands of a "professional" no less, will help me to see what i need to do myself from now on.
peace out...
so... let's talk about my semi-new year's resolution. i really hate making new year's resolutions, because no one ever sticks to them... people might as well just call them "resolutions to feel like a failure", because that's what you feel like by january 15th when you've dropped it. sometimes if i make any kind of resolution, it's around my birthday, because i find another year of my life is a better catalyst for change. but this one has been brewing inside me for a while now... building for over a decade, and after several failed attempts, i need to make it stick.
i, like millions and millions of people out there, need to make a better me. that sounds so trite, but i've been breaking it down into things i specifically need to start doing to feel more like the "me" i really am (start the sappy self-help talk show music here)... so, i no particular order, here are some of my goals for 2004 (starting 12/1/2003):
1. *become more physically active!* i am a slug. pure and simple. i used to be a cheerleader, dancer, aerobics nut... but over the last few years, it's gotten where i am just a big old couch potato. i belong to a gym, but haven't gone in months... i got mono over the summer, and haven't gone since. so i need to start going to the gym again in the mornings, making it part of my morning routine... and adding dance back into my life some evenings, either classes or social stuff.
2. *eat better!* i'm not talking about a diet, that stuff is crap. (at some point i'll write about the diet book i was involved in a while back.) i need to do the basics of healthy eating: no more fast food for lunch every day. make my own meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. stay away from the foods that make me sick (i have a lot of food allergies, but have no self-control to stay away from them). drink a ton of water, so everything inside is flowing properly and i'm not so tired.
3. *take pride in my appearance!* i've let myself go, looks-wise, over the last year or so. stopped wearing full makeup to work, dress for comfort rather than style, don't care sometimes about cleaning the cat hair off my suit or taking the umbrella to work so i won't get wet. i still look professional every day, but not as much as i'd like... i have a lot of competition in my line of work, so i need to look my best. i also recently decided to grow my hair long (it's very short now), and go to a professional to get my eyebrows shaped. and maybe get a good makeover once the weight starts coming off.
4. *reduce stress!* i am an absolute stress-ball. it's become part of my nature. my boyfriend is amazed at my anxiety level... i am always worried about something: unplug everything every night, there might be a fire... don't open the windows, the cats might lean against the screen and fall out to their deaths... you get the idea. i need to start counseling in january (my new health plan will cover it) to get rid of some of this stuff! and i'm thinking of learning yoga, and getting a massage every month (my insurance will pay for part of it).
5. *stop the money bullsh*t!* i am so irresponsible financially, i am ashamed. i have a great job that pays me well, and yet i live paycheck to paycheck. actually, it's worse than that -- i'm living off my reserve credit, and my paycheck pays it back every month. i need to start budgeting myself and not impulse shopping all the time to fill some empty need. i want to buy a condo in a few years, and i'll never do it with the rate i'm going.
6. *do what i love!* i've gotten away from all the things that used to fuel me -- dance classes. being with my friends. catching up with friends who are far away. singing. how can i get rid of stress unless i have good outlets to keep me going? i need to reconnect with the friends i've neglected, and start feeding my artistic side that's gone dormant for so long.
so, that's it in a nutshell. a lot of big things, but i think taking each of them week by week can make them doable. in a future entry, i'll talk about last year's failed attempts to do some of these... i think looking at my past effots, at the hands of a "professional" no less, will help me to see what i need to do myself from now on.
peace out...
